I remember someone telling me years ago that in life we are all either going through something, getting over something, or about to head into something. To be honest, that thought made me anxious. I wanted to think that heartache and suffering were somehow avoidable.
Now, I realize that suffering is a part of each of our lives. I see it differently, because God has shown me through each valley and each heartache that His plan is never without purpose. Knowing this doesn't make suffering easier, but it now gives me a peace I didn't understand when I wasn't seeking God daily. His promises have become my strength.
You were born almost 8 weeks premature and through your stay in the NICU your doctor named you "superstar." He was amazed at how well you progressed during your time in the hospital. I became very ill before your delivery and remained ill for some time afterwards. I remember the fear I felt during that time. I couldn't take care of myself, you, or Bubby and Sissy. I was scared and heartbroken in ways I had never known.
Five years later, I can see how I grew so much through that experience. I grew closer to God and I began to let go of the control I tried to have on life. I began to seek peace and comfort in His plan for me, and started to let go of worry and anxiety which at times had consumed me.
I was recently listening to a sermon and the pastor shared these profound words. “God lets us get into situations that seem impossible in order to bring us to the end of our self, so He can give us our best. Don’t underestimate what He will use.”
No matter what suffering you face, I want the three of you to know the same peace and comfort I have found through Christ . The comfort of knowing we don’t have to understand it all, but to remember His love has overcome all pain. We just have to remember to seek Him.
As I talk to mothers, I find that many are struggling to find purpose in their days. Whether they stay home or they work outside of the home. They ache to know there is value in this season.
I spend my days right now at home with the three of you. I cook meals. I do laundry. I pick up and then pick up some more. We spend time together learning. We spend time together playing. I simmer battles and nurture hearts. Truthfully, some days I am tired. I am weary. Some days I feel defeated in guiding your hearts towards love and obedience. I want to know that all of this is building something meaningful.
I am reminded of how beautiful each season of life can be when we look at its purpose through God’s eyes. Jennie Allen, shares these words in her book Restless. “Diapers and floors and food remind us that we are all human, and there is beauty and character formed in the mundane. But the most inconspicuous tasks usually are building big things we can’t see yet.”
If you are in a season that feels mundane, a season where you don’t quite see the bounty, take heart, God is working on something beautiful. I have faith, each of these moments are leading to something great.
It reminds me of baby Sissy learning to swing by herself. It took patience, practice, and determination. Some days she thought she would never master this skill. After much time, she felt the freedom and provisions of her hard work. Slowly, I am also seeing God’s provisions within our home.Though they may seem subtle at times, they are there. Jennie goes on to share the following, " Your view of your life may be small, but nothing about your life is small. Every moment is granted for purposes we can't see. Every breath is issued for eternal things left undone."
Yes, the mundane, it is building big things.
The subtle signs of Fall.
Each morning, before I get out of bed, my prayer is for God to use me that day. To be the mother you all need. Hours quickly pass and no matter what my intent, there are days that I fail.
Days where my patience is short. My voice is harsh. And grace is lost. There are days I get so caught up in the to do lists, my feelings of inadequacy, or the worries of my heart, that I forget to simply see what truly matters.
I am learning to stop and to just see the simple beauty of each day. To stop and just feel this love. As I slow down and soak in this beauty, I realize through all of my failures and inadequacies, God is growing me and showing me who I am in Him.
Mimi and Popi brought over some books that I had when I was a child. You have enjoyed these books so much. I loved seeing the inscription that I wrote myself when I was a child in one of the books. It's funny because I love when people write inscriptions in books now. It must have started when I was a child.
I love that we are surrounded by family. I love that you can walk to see your cousins, your aunts and uncles and your grandparents. After living away for so many years, I will never take this for granted. I hope you all don't either.
It rained almost every day last week. One morning we were at the table doing school work, when we noticed it was raining again, only this time the sun was still shining. The three of you headed outside and played in the rain until you were drenched. We got off schedule for the day and wet clothes and towels were all over the floors, but it was such a reminder of how wonderful it can be to let go of expectations.
The more I let go of my expectations of myself, of others, and of our time, the more I experience life in an extraordinary way. I am learning to find the beauty in the imperfect, the unplanned, and the mess. I am realizing that sometimes, school can get done later. I am embracing messes made from little helpers in the kitchen, eagerly wanting to help. I am learning to accept that laundry is never all caught up. Relationships, conversations, and memories are worth it. YOU are worth it.
God continues to show me through these experiences that His plan will always be far greater than any plans I have and that I don’t need these expectations of my life. I simply need Him and love.
All three of you are playing soccer this Fall, which means we are at the field a lot. I am so grateful for the wide open spaces for you to play when it is not your night to practice.
You fell in love with this $7 butterfly necklace at the gift store this week. We were in line paying for it when something else in the store caught your attention. You quickly tapped me on the leg and asked if you could get two things. I explained that you couldn't and began to pay the cashier. At this point you started to ask fervently.This escalated into a tantrum as we left the gift shop. I was disappointed, upset, embarrassed and mad at the way you behaved. I told you that you would not get the necklace until a later time because of your behavior.
All afternoon you kept asking when you would get your butterfly necklace. Once I felt you understood that your behavior was not acceptable, I gave it to you. After all, it was a gift. It was an undeserved gift. And it really made me think.
I can’t help but notice your dirty little fingers next to this shiny butterfly. It makes me think of all the undeserved gifts God has bestowed on me through my own lifetime. I have been covered many times in my own dirt, yet He has accepted me and loved me through all of it. He gives grace and love time and time again, when I don’t deserve either.
I felt embarrassed as I carried you out of the gift shop, screaming because you only got one gift; but I am so thankful for this reminder. Similar to the transformational life of a butterfly, I am reminded that through Christ we can also be transformed into something beautiful. No matter our age, we continue to need God’s undeserved and never ending grace.
Today, we enjoyed a beautiful day at a local garden. You did some school work, painted, sketched, explored, and played for a few hours. As I watched you all play and work together, I was filled with such gratitude.
I will never forget the year Big Sissy started Kindergarten. It seemed like our time together was always rushed and always too short. The school days seemed long and the family time was never enough.
I would often see a mother and her three children taking leisurely walks together during the mornings. I was curious what it would be like to home school; to have our time back. I was even a bit envious every time I passed her. I longed for something different for our family.
Another year passed and God kept pressing on my heart. He began to speak to Daddy as well. That year we prayed fervently to God. We asked Him what His plan was for our family. The following year we began homeschooling. I am so grateful we followed in faith. Our life has changed in so many ways. I feel like we now have time to really grow together and we have time for un-rushed conversations. It is such a blessing to see the provisions of God when we obey Him.
We were so excited to welcome cousin number 10 into the world on Friday. He is perfect.
You have such a gift with younger children. Your heart really shines when you are around your cousins.
It really is something beautiful to see the love between your children. I hope you girls will always be the best of friends. Having a sister to share life with is really a special gift from God.
This was a moment I could have easily missed. This is our daily life. This is our ordinary. Our sweet Buster Brown will turn 15 next month. This year we have started to see his health decline and we all realize we don't have forever with our fury friend. You do your school work and eat your meals during the day, with Buster at your feet; without even noticing him. Sadly, the day will come that you notice he isn't there. So, today I took time to record this moment. This beautiful mundane.
